Sour Kangaroo.

It's so interesting... all of this. All of this advisement of 'letting go' and 'being one' and 'loving unconditionally'. As gloriously Utopian as that sounds, I can't. Nope. I just can't wrap my little head around it.

To send someone love that I would rather berate for being an ass? I feel that they don't deserve my hugs and respect. This is wrong, I know, but try and tell my painfully critical brain that.

Praying and meditating. I feel like the gate guards at my heart just won't let my chest open to the vibrations of the universe. They won't let go. I'm not blaming, but I'm easily agitated...if you couldn't tell. I have got to text the Dalai Lama... perhaps if he were using Twitter I wouldn't have to contend with this.

And letting go of everything? But I'm so attached. To people, to things, to places, to memories, to my cat, and my guitar, and my telephone, and my and my and my. The more I think about putting these things on the proverbial bookshelf, the more anxious I get.

They identify who I am. Without them I am nothing.

And this is wrong. Don't tell me that this is wrong. I'm aware.

And if I am anything, I am aware.

From the pen.

July 6th

Now I get to see a film with my father. It makes him happy and that, in turn, makes me happy. I shouldn't take the wonderful relationship I have with my parents for granted. I could've been born into something terrible. I could've been born into some unfortunate circumstance or into the arms of inept parents. Instead I've been able to foster the most wonderful, beneficial, and special relationship. If there is one thing in this life I am grateful for, it's them. I would never want it any other way. I hope that, in return, they are always proud of me and I truly live up to my potential. That I do fascinating and sparkling things. And that I can give them healthy, loving, talented, and respectful grandchildren and a son in law, and good health and care and love until the day they leave this Earth. They mean more to me than anything else and I cherish the time I've had with them and will continue to have for many many years to come. This is the true meaning of love, and I hope to find that love in a man some day. Someone like my father. I hope that I can do as good of a job at raising children as they have. May God bless them for all of the good that they have done in the little time they have so far spent on this life.

July 9th

Craving New York. Obsessing over Megan Fox. Nervous for the arrival of friends. Want some best friend time. Tired of being alone. Pms-ing like a horomonal beast.

I have the capacity to be a good person. The best decade of my life has only just begun.

People amaze me. This Earth amazes me. Marijuana and hallucinogenics amaze me. Recycling makes me ludicrously happy.

Must do something about my hair color.

It astonishing how much I've lost touch with my emotions (the full spectrum of them at least) and what it feels like to be 20 and confident. I've been ruined- but that gives him so much power and thus depletes me of my own. I am a deeply ardent being. And a woman at that.

I am so grateful for what I have, and also for the knowledge that I can write my future. Grateful for everything that I love, and for the power to change everything but. Grateful that my problems, thankfully, stay within the realm of my control.

I am love and compassion...simply because I refuse to be anything else.

Friends

How much do you cost?

I see that you are filled with Princess stickers, Poly blend fabric (stop telling everyone it's silk you liar), and a scant quarter cup of lemon juice. Once a month you envelop some sort of mad disease and your Princess stickers turn into acrid metallic dust turn into bent Electric guitar strings, out of tune. Sometimes, when you're feeling a bit down, I swear that I can hear old Jazz standards carried out on your breath, and you're extremely fragrant, Givenchy Light Blue, only Green and it smells something of the way I'd imagine $3 bills would taste. If they made them that is.

Needless to say, you add up. All in all, I'd pay in the neighborhood of a few life stories, a good knee scar, and possibly a take out container of Steak Frites. I've found that, over time, you aren't really worth much else, and the allure of your adjectives and incessant first person pronouns...well, it ages me as I listen.

The funniest thing is that I've already paid, but you aren't mine and you never will be. That pleases me, stranger.

And also, in case you weren't aware, time is on a 1/30th of a second lag. Does that change things? Tell me about reality now.

Subtle.

There is a delicate variance between those words. Smell and stench. Lavender and Lavender air freshener. You can't place either because both are hidden. There isn't a bouquet in sight.

This bathroom is nothing but stench.

29th.

Feeling fantastically lucid, full of envy, and a only a bit sorry for myself.

Today is seemingly better than yesterday.

To My Dearest With Love:

Let us think for a moment here.

I believe I'm on the brink of something awesome.
Fire works.
Thunder.

To My Dearest With Love:

Look.

I'm in a City.
Surrounded by People.
Surrounded by Sound.
Surrounded by Buildings
and asphalt
and
hot humid
-well-
hotness.
I am able
-well-
it isn't an endowment per se
to see anyone in anyone.
To see my father in the man
my mother in the woman
my best friend in the student
burdened with books
and knowledge
and the expectation that he forgo his youth.
But no one
no one
looks
like
you.

To My Dearest With Love:

Listen to me.

You are too close to the railing.
You are
aflame without water
You are
drowning in liquor
You are
dying from smoke
You are
eating poison apples
You are
burning down bridges
You are
stoking the fire
You are
throwing stones
I am
calling you
I am
yelling into the speaker
I am
the speaker
I don't
want your gossip
I don't
want your heart-to-hearts
I don't
want your children
The world doesn't
want your children
I don't
want you much either
You are
monstrous
You are
crippled
You are
insane
You are
painful
You are
awkward
You are
deficient
You are
bold as hell.

Stream of conciousness.

People. They change. Not only do they change drastically because they are inspired by something to do so, but they change gradually within the context of time and society. Forced change. Darwinian change. Those who are ill-equipped will not survive both literally and figuratively. The toughest thing about change though is when it is still active and not yet complete. When you can notice the change as it happens within someone - especially if it is a change that you are uncomfortable with.

Time propels us forward and each minute that goes by on the clock beckons us to reevaluate our relationships with those around us. Granted, it's hard not to predict whether the person will continue to create themselves into someone that you hate or love, or someone who still benefits you (which, let's be honest, is the sole reason for relationships). It's difficult to exist with that person within the moment. Nothing that is happening right now is a problem right now. Everything is either projected onto the future or recalled from the past. Each moment that you spend with or without someone is how it is meant to be spent- with that person in their current state of self-creation. We have nothing to prove to ourselves, God, or each other. Our job is simply to experience.

My photographs never have anything to do with my words. Although I choose them for a reason.

Environmentalism.

When Tom Waits said he was looking for a Chocolate Jesus... he wasn't hungry.

It seems today that everyone is searching for something.

Ask yourself what you are doing for your Planet.

Remember that She needs no help.

Put your ear to the Earth.
Do you hear the sound?

That is the sound of a Mother's cry.

She is roaring
'Save yourselves'